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December 14, 2005

Axel Scherm

Translated from the German by Gebhart Müller-König

Gosh, Arny!

Well, I can see your point, Arny. You're only here on earth with us in order to liberate us. From the street gangs, from murderers, from child abusers, rapists, serial killers, and all the rest of the brutal junkies. Get rid of them!

As terminator you have converted from baddy to goody. You've changed from flathead and body builder to gentleman and governor. And everybody loves you for it. And again you cut a notch in your pump gun. How grateful we should, indeed we must be to you for keeping hypocritical niggers like Stanley Williams away from us. Dispatching one of his kind to the afterlife can't hurt anyway, even if he's committed no crimes and meanwhile writes children's books. Potentially they all have the potential, if you see what I mean.

And at night, Arny, what do you do on a night like this, when they give him the lethal shot? Lounge on the couch with your Kennedy doll watching old Terminator movies, or do you have the Execution Show transmitted directly to the family room? You'd be bored killing the guy yourself by means of a syringe. Hunting him down, Running Man-style action, that's what matters, action brings satisfaction.

Gosh, Arny, don't you sometimes wake in the early hours with the feeling that your new leading role is demanding too much of you? But wait a minute – this here isn't a movie, it's real life, and in real life the killers sprout up again like mushrooms, you just can't get rid of all of them.

No, Arny, just being a steroid clown who made it from deepest Austria to Hollywood, and then into politics, won't put you down in history. For that both your movies and your polls are really too bad. If you had said »stop« recently, that would have been worth a mention in the history books. But no, in the face of your law-and-order friends and the rest of the moral majority in the State of California you had to play the Terminator again, right?

Hasta la vista, Baby. Do you remember, Arny? That was a real good line in a movie picture, wasn't it?

Ausgewählte Kolumnen von Axel Scherm

• Schießen Sie nicht auf den Pianisten
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Neue Kolumnen

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MP3s zum Hören

• Magdi Aboul-Kheirs »Der Happy-Size-Grizzly würde einen Liter Cappuccino bestellen«, gesprochen von Tanja Esche
• Magdi Aboul-Kheirs »Das siebte Bindenbrussen-Weltwunder: Gebürstete Brüste mit gepeitschter Sahne«, gesprochen von Tanja Esche
• Magdi Aboul-Kheirs »Die Erotik des Käsebrots«, gesprochen von Tanja Esche
• Phillip Seidels »Ein Entchen-Erlebnis«, gesprochen von Philipp Seidel.
• Stefan Schrahes »Aldi-Süd«, gesprochen von Stefan Schrahe.
• Und über 90 weitere mp3-Hörkolumnen

Our latest translations

• Raymund Krauleidis' Business as usual: Misconnected, translated by Sabine Winter
• Christoph Wesemann's Oleg and the Mafia, translated by Andreas Wagner
• Michael Meyn's »Thanksgiving at Mike's«, translated by Michael Meyn
• Elke Schröder's »Fucking Brown Bread«, translated by Michael Meyn
• Elke Schröder's »Nicotine Abuse«, translated by Michael Meyn

Help On Everyday Absurdity

»Wer hat Zeit und Wunsch, auserwählte Spalten für kolumnen.de ins Englische zu übersetzen? Wir werden über jede Antwort gefallen!«

Können Sie es besser als das google-Sprachtool? Wir suchen weiterhin freiwillige Helfer, die unsere schönsten Kolumnen ins Englische übersetzen.